my diary

this is where you can view all my digital journal entries, ordered newest to oldest.

MONDAY NOVEMBER 9 2020 8:13 PM

helloooooo everybodyyyyyyy. by everybody i mean all zero of the people that are actually reading this. which isn't a complaint, i swear, it's actually kind of liberating in comparison to most social media. i can pretty much say whatever i want, and nobody'll really care. i'm not really sure why i'm here writing this right now. forget for months, but now it's only been five days. i think today might've been the most boring goddamn day of my life. i woke up far too early (well really it was like eight but that's early for me) and had nothing to do all day. i just sat in beds and alternated between watching tv and playing a couple different video games today. the hours just went by sooo slowlyyyyy. i miss before quarantine when i actually had stuff to do on a daily basis. now i barely bother changing out of pyjamas most days. i start intensive outpatient therapy in a couple days. a few weeks ago i said i was gonna kill myself and ended up in the hospital and so now i have to go do therapy for a couple hours every day. it'll suck, i'm sure, but it's something to do i guess. speaking of killing myself, i recently found myself considering that maybe if i texted [REDACTED] and said i was gonna kill myself, they'd probably actually respond. i realised pretty quickly that that's a little too insane, even for me, but the fact that it passed through my mind is weird. it feels a bit silly now. really, i wouldn't want to do something like that... i don't want them to view me as someone who'd do that, i guess.
if i'm being really honest, i can't blame [REDACTED] at all for not wanting anything to do with me. they're pretty much the perfect person. i'm jealous of everyone who gets to interact with them on a regular basis, but it's not like i deserve them.

THURSDAY NOVEMBER 5 2020 12:00 PM

hey. i just randomly remembered that i have this webpage. it's been a while. maybe i'd have more to say if my country wasn't still on lockdown, but i kind of doubt it. i'm a pretty boring person.
anyways, i've been in a really weird mood these past couple days. i don't feel like myself, but maybe this is who i am now. i used to be really cynical and sort of nihilistic in a weirdly optimistic way, more than reluctant to ever confront my overwhelmingly negative reality, but recently i've been frighteningly genuine. at some point i became soft, i guess, and now i've sort of been falling apart. i've been thinking a lot about... everything. nothing that would mean anything to anyone that isn't me, of course. perhaps that's normal, or perhaps i'm just incredibly self centred. either way, it's stuff i should've probably been thinking about a long time ago. i guess it had to happen eventually.
i quit my job a couple weeks ago, and now my final two weeks are finished (i'm a very responsible person who doesn't just quit on the spot, of course!) and now i've got nothing going on, basically. i sleep, i play video games, i wander around the forest i live in (which certainly sounds more romantic than it actually is) and... that's about it. i'm skipping one of my two college classes right now, and i think i'm going to drop the other one. i'm not stupid, i know that, but i'm not good at school. i never have been, and i presumably never will be, unless i miraculously stop being so fucked up at some point.
i just suddenly realised that i hate the way i sound in these stupid journals; pessimistic, and pretentious, and pathetically self-loathing in a way that feels preformative. i sound like [REDACTED]. fuck.
speaking of [REDACTED], i had a dream about them last night. i woke up at one in the morning, heart pounding, my sleepy brain frantically convinced that they'd texted me. they hadn't, of course, not since january. the reality of the situation is that we'll more than likely never speak to each other again, but that hurts far, far too much for me to think about for very long.

TUESDAY AUGUST 4 2020 5:10 PM

hi. once again, it's been forever since i've updated this. even longer than last time. sorry about that, it's just that i don't really have much to talk about these days. my life is a sad kind of boring.
today's my birthday, which is nice, i guess. i don't really care too much about it, but i don't mind celebrating it because i know that my family cares. it's been pretty boring so far because of course there's not really much to do these days besides die of coronavirus. the thing about my birthday that's always a bit shit is that i have the same birthday as [REDACTED], so i guess a part of me misses spending it with them. we haven't talked since january, and a part of me thought that they'd message me today to say happy birthday. they didn't. i'm just glad i knew not to get my hopes up too much. a really desperate part of me wants to say it to them, just because i miss talking so much, but i'm not too delusional right now to know how pathetic it would be considering how i know full well they don't actually want to talk to me. i shouldn't want to talk to them either. but i do.
...in other, more general news, i've graduated high school. a year early, even, which is weird because i'm a shitty enough student that i never really expected to even graduate on time. it's not because i'm a genius or anything, but more that i just did the absolute bare minimum on everything. perhaps that's not admirable, but i'm proud of myself for getting out of that hellhole early nonetheless. i'm taking a gap year because i'm not about to take out a bunch of student loans just to go to online college, meaning all i've got for the time being is work, which is shit, but it could be a lot worse. at least it's nice to make money. my parents aren't exactly ecstatic (it's not too social media worthy when your daughter is a loser working in retail with no plans career-wise, shockingly) but it's not like they've ever been too proud of me. not since i was a "gifted kid", at least, before i got traumatized and the genetic mental illness set in. it sucks, because i work pretty fucking hard just to survive these days, but not getting their approval isn't the end of the world. i know i'm doing my best.
so yeah, basically, that's all i've got. it's my birthday, i'm a loser in terms of the whole "having a successful life" thing, and i'm as pathetic, desperate, and delusional as ever. i doubt anyone will read this, but if you did... thanks, i guess?

SUNDAY APRIL 19 2020 11:06 PM

hey. sorry that it's been such a long time since i've posted. i've somehow been very distracted from going online, even though i don't have work or school anymore. it's been hectic switching over to online classes- or at least, that's my excuse for when i take a week to email people back nowadays. really i just proctrastinate everything. anyway, things have been mostly pretty dull. i thought that i would use this to talk about mundane everyday type stuff, but these days i mostly just lay in bed playing video games. what else is there to do?
mentally i've been doing okay, i guess, if numb is okay. to me it is... there are a lot of worse ways to feel. i want to recover from my trauma and self harm and everything so genuinely, but i don't even know where to start. maybe i'm too deep in at this point to get myself out without help, and telling someone even a fraction of what i've got going on sounds mortifying. i've been trying to stop thinking of [REDACTED], at least, or at least trying to stop deliberately looking at things that remind me of them. i'd like very much to be a regular teenage girl, and to stop spending so much time thinking about the hopeless situations i've ended up in in the past.

THURSDAY MARCH 19 2020 7:29 PM

well. it's another bad day. i still feel like i'm falling apart, quite literally. i don't remember when disintegration became my stupid little metaphor for dissociating, but i keep using it. i feel like dissapearing today. not dying, necessarily, but leaving... something. i'm at home right now, but i don't feel like i'm home. i don't know where home is, but i know that i'm not where i'm meant to be. i want to leave so badly. i always feel like that to some extent, but the fact that my county is on lockdown definitely isn't helping.
aaaaanyway. maybe it'll make me feel better if i talk about some normal teenager stuff. i think that this girl i know has a crush on me, and i think that i might like her too. she's hinting at it but not making a move or anything, and there's zero chance of me doing it first, so... whatever. she lives like 3 hours away from me, so that would be kind of annoying to deal with anyway. but in reality, if anyone got to know me, i don't think they'd want to date me. i'm too messed up. there's too much normal stuff that i am unable to do. not to mention how incredibly unstable i am. plus, nobody would want to be with me if they knew the way i feel about and talk to [REDACTED]. it's not romantic, but it's certainly too close to romantic for comfort. and i won't give up [REDACTED] for a relationship, even though they want nothing to do with me. so i guess i'll just continue to be alone. maybe this isn't normal teenager stuff after all.

WEDNESDAY MARCH 18 2020 8:58 PM

i'm not having a very good time right now. everything is terribly, unbelievably boring. i haven't been doing my schoolwork. or anything else of value, really. i've mostly been spending my time laying in bed. and i think i'm beginning to fall back into my old habits again. the really really bad habits. and i'm not that interested in doing anything about it, because at least feeling that white hot manic obsession in my chest means feeling something instead of nothing...
i think that i'm disintegrating, honestly, or something like that. last night i had a bad dream. except it wasn't actually a bad dream, it was a really good dream and it left me feeling sad because it isn't real. in it i was walking side by side with [REDACTED] outside. it was cold, but we were pressed up close next to each other and they felt so warm i hardly noticed. it hurts that, in reality, they don't want to be a part of my life at all. i'm so desperate not to lose them, but i've done all i can to try and keep them and i just can't do it. not to be too dramatic, but it's a little horrifying that you can care so, so much for a person and they can want nothing to do with you whatsoever. and there's nothing that you can do about it. i think that's why i'm falling to pieces.

FRIDAY MARCH 13 2020 4:51 PM
(tw: mention of child sexual abuse)

well, they cancelled school. i've gotten about a billion emails from my teachers about all the stuff i have to do over the next few weeks. my parents think that school's gonna be cancelled for a lot longer though. maybe for the rest of the year. it would be weird if yesterday was my last day of going to high school and i didn't even know it, but i've never really been the type to care about traditions like prom and graduation and such. to be honest, i won't miss the social aspect of school at all. it would be really nice not to have to worry about making other people like me so i don't have to sit alone at lunch and all that. today's been the first of what i'm guessing will be many mind-numbingly dull days to come. i think i'll try to pick up more shifts at work, partially because i have nothing better to and partially because my dumb impulsive self blew $300 online shopping yesterday. yikes. i had a concert i was excited for in may that i presume is gonna be cancelled, so i guess i'll get some money back once they refund that. i know that i'm going to have a miserable time at home, honestly. doing nothing makes me feel terribly depressed.
anyways... as i mentioned on my main page, i struggle with a lot of mental health shit. most of it stems from when i was sexually abused when i was 11 by a 31 year old man for about a 3 month period. that's my best kept secret. nobody but my therapist and my best friend know that it happened, but now anyone reading this does too. i'd expected that i would get over it as time passed, but i think it's getting worse and worse over time. there's all these little things that remind me of him. his name, words and phrases i remember him using, the city he lives in, certain songs... it's horrible. i wish i could rip the memories out of my head. i'm disgusted by them. so... yeah. that's something about me. something that sucks and probably isn't terribly nice to hear about, but i think about it a lot, and i thought i may as well offer an explanation for why i am the way i am.
yeah, the formatting still sucks, i'm sorry

THURSDAY MARCH 12 2020 4:08 PM

hi. as much as i want to have an interesting entry today, it’s been pretty boring so far (besides the whole global pandemic thing…). i went to school, mostly because my mom wouldn’t let me go home. i didn’t really get anything done, mostly because in 2 of the 3 classes i had i sat next to this girl that i always end up spending the whole class talking to whenever i sit by her. which is weird, because i’m super socially anxious normally, but for some reason it’s easier to talk to her than other people. i feel like she’s been through some shit the way i have. except everyone i know has been through some shit, because i go to a high school school for at risk kids, but i feel like she went through something similar to what i did. i don’t know. i could be totally wrong.
i think that i’m doing better lately. i don’t know. it’s hard to say. i went through a long period where i was super manic and impulsive, basically constantly exposing my neck to people i knew would bite just so i would feel something, or just have something interesting actually happen in my boring life, or whatever. it’s kind of scary to think about in hindsight, because the stuff i was feeling was just really intense and didn’t make much sense. but i feel like i’m back, in a way, lately. i’m still super spaced out and i feel like an alien most of the time, but at least i sort of feel like i’m on the same plane of reality as the people around me. i hope that things are actually changing for me, and that it’s not just a phase. i would like things to be better.
side note- i know this is super terrible and hard to read right now. i'm working on fixing it. i think making the side margins larger will help but none of the explanations i see online are working :/

WEDNESDAY MARCH 11 2020 8:46 PM

hey. this is my first ever digital journal entry here on my website. welcome! i kinda doubt anyone is reading this, but if you are, hi! i don’t really know what i’ll end up talking about here. probably a lot of the boring day to day life stuff, but i’ve also got a ton of issues and past trauma and all that fun stuff, so that’ll probably come up eventually. anyway, if you don’t know me, i’m angel. i’m a junior in high school in the us, but i’m planning on graduating a year early, so i guess i’m sort of also a senior. not really though. i like art and writing and reading, but i usually end up spending most of my time scrolling mindlessly through instagram if i’m being honest. i have a shitty job that i hate at a big retail chain you’ve almost certainly heard of if you’re american. i feel like this sounds kind of depressing, but it’s not like stuff’s all bad. i’m doing ok in school, i have a family that’s mostly pretty decent, and a lot of really great friends. so it’s cool. anyway, i don’t really have much of interest to talk about today. i pretty much just went to school and came home. i’m pretty exhausted today, but really i’m tired all the time (thanks chronic exhaustion as a side effect of depression). i’m honestly just waiting for school (and hopefully work?) to get cancelled because of the coronavirus. i’ll probably just stay at home and sleep for a few weeks. ok, i think i’m done writing for now. i’m just gonna post this, instead of reading it a thousand times over and editing it and picking it apart like i would really like to do, because i want it to stay sort of stream of consciousness. bye!